Food Babies R Us
I honestly have no issues sharing this experience with ya'll. I really hope that it not only makes you laugh, but teaches you a lesson.
I am what you call a REGULAR person. I'm talking about bathroom regularity here folks. Every morning after my glass of water and my coffee, I make a trip to the bathroom. Although, for the past week, I have been what you call "stopped up" and it was beginning to hurt my belly.
So I'm walking around with my poor little belly just poked out because there ain't nowhere else for that crap to go. This is beginning to get very uncomfortable. My better half says to me, "do you want some medicine?" Well heck yes I want some medicine! Duh, I look like I'm 5 months preggo over here with a food baby that's gonna be off the charts.
She hands me the box and I read the dosing instructions. I've never in my life had to take a laxative so I wanted to be sure I did this right. I mean, the people on the commercials always look so relieved and happy so its gotta work right? The box says its gentle and it calls for 1-3 pills to be taken. Seeing as how this is my first go around I choose to go right down the middle and popped 2 of those teeny tiny little blips of a pill in my mouth. I followed with 2 giant glasses of water because my background in nursing has taught me that hydration has alot to do with evacuating your bowels. Everything goes as normal, I shower and get ready for bed. I kiss my sweetheart goodnight and off to dreamworld I go.
2 am. That's what time I woke up. I know this because I have one of those super neat projection alarm clocks that shines the time on the ceiling so you dont even have to roll over to find out the time.
Ya'll my belly was killing me. I'm talking about cramps so bad that I didn't know if I needed to vomit or run to the toilet with my pants down. Got out of the bed, did some American Ninja Warrior moves over the 6 dogs and off to the bathroom I went. Unsuccessful in my adventure, being let down is an understatement. I thought to myself "I thought for sure this was gonna work."
I made my way to the kitchen, grabbed another glass of water and was just doing some baby sips when a bone chilling freeze set in on me and I could not shake it. I wrapped myself up in a blanket and sat on the couch. I promise, 2 minutes later I knew I was about to exorcise Satan from my body, just didn't know which end he was coming out. My legs never moved so fast. Back on my porcelain throne, not able to vomit, I felt it. I felt this burning fire rising up inside of me. I'm talking about I had to throw off that blanket like some experienced matador with his red cape. I had sweat dripping down my neck, beading up on my upper lip, and gliding down between my boobs. It was HOT!
HOT HOT HOT
If you haven't seen Dumb and Dumber then I suggest you stop reading, go pop in the DVD and watch it right now.
When Harry has his FAMOUS bathroom scene, you will understand what I'm talking about.
Ya'll I ain't lying... it hit me like a brick wall and I swear I SHIT OUT A SMALL PERSON. I could probably call and schedule a colonoscopy right now I am so cleaned out.
The moral of this story is that sometimes we create our own shit storm but we just gotta push forward and know that "this too shall pass." We gotta learn from our mistakes and understand how to avoid them in the future.
A Gypsy Soul
I hope you got a good laugh from this because I cannot quit giggling at myself.